I firmly believe that a separation does not have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, I believe that a separation that allows time and distance to work for a marriage can make both people more committed to staying together and more determined to make things work. The reason for the change of heart often lies in the fact that the distance allows both people to see how much they care and miss the other person. This makes them realize that they don’t want to be without their spouse and that they don’t want to be alone.
Many people who contact me very much understand that their spouse needs to end up missing them during the separation. They know that this is a very important piece of the puzzle. But they are not sure what is the best way to achieve this. I often hear comments like, “My husband is the one who wanted the separation. He started it. I didn’t want to but I agreed because it seemed like my only option other than divorce. I know it’s important that he misses me.” while we’re apart, but it doesn’t seem to. Every time I call him, he seems to be busy. Every time I try to see him face to face, he ignores me. he misses me, he doesn’t give me a straight answer or say something like ‘a little’. “It’s hard to have any hope when he talks back to me like this. Am I doing something wrong? I try not to upset him so much, but if I wait for him to contact me, I’m afraid he never will.”
In the following article, I’ll offer some tips to encourage your husband to miss you during your breakup so that hopefully it leads him to want to get back together as well.
Please understand that this process sometimes requires patience. At first, it’s likely that you’re just feeling your way and haven’t yet processed how you really feel: A common problem I see is that there’s a real tendency to be so uncomfortable and worried while he’s gone that you want to communicate quickly. You are looking for validation or some good cues to make yourself feel better.
But what you may not realize at the time is that spouses who initiate a separation often intend to take their time during the separation. Many tell me that they asked for the separation because they wanted to see how they would feel in another scenario. They wanted time to process their feelings without having to converse with you while they were doing it. So sometimes when you start asking her how much she misses you, she’ll actually pull away even more because she feels like you’re rushing him.
Often, you have not yet reached the point where you have given your feelings a lot of thought. She’s just trying to adjust to this day to day, and then slowly she’ll start to see how she feels. But if she pushes, then it’s more likely that she won’t get the response she wants.
Understand what it takes for a man to miss a woman during a separation: Many women feel that they have to control all aspects of their husband’s life while he is gone. They know they are going too far, but fear grips them and they just can’t help it. Because they worry that if they back off and he has too much fun, he meets someone else, or decides that he really is happy and content on his own, then letting him go even a little bit would have been a big mistake.
I understand this. I went through this process myself and made many similar mistakes. But eventually I realized that forcing the issue was not going to make what I wanted more likely. The fact that it kept coming and going with too much force couldn’t assure me that any of my fears were going to come to pass. In fact, they were making my husband view me in a more negative light. But stepping back gave me at least a chance for him to see me in a more positive light.
And this truly is your whole goal. You want him to get to a place where he has a quiet moment to himself, reflects on yourself, and decides that there really were some good times that might be possible to take back. Without fights, insecurities, and conflicts being a constant presence, he may think of you with a positive reaction instead of a negative one.
This is why it is so important that if you suspect that what you are doing is causing these negative reactions, you should consider changing tack and see if there is a change in their appearance or reaction.
Use restraint when approaching your husband. And, for each contact you initiate, it tries to force yourself to wait until it makes the next one: If you’re the only one making every attempt at communication, things will feel one-sided for both you and your husband. That’s why I recommend backing off when you feel some resistance. And chances are you know your husband well enough to know when this is happening.
I believe that, as difficult as it is, it is better to contact him too little than too much. If it’s too little, he’s most likely contacting you because he’s wondering why he hasn’t heard from you. If you decide to contact him or “just” bump into him, then use moderation when this happens. You may feel like talking and talking and confessing how much you miss him and don’t want to be without him. But try to force yourself not to come to this.
Because the idea really is to leave you wanting more. You want every encounter to end well so that it leads to another. And, when you’re the one to initiate contact for the first time, it’s always best to let him make the next move. Or at least wait until enough time has passed between each encounter. Despair is easy to spot and usually doesn’t inspire him to come back to you. It just inspires him to avoid you.
If you can’t get this face-to-face contact right now, consider keeping things light and short with technology (like texting, Facebook, etc. 🙂 Some women contact me and tell me that even though they understand these principles, they have a very hard time sticking to them in real life. I often ask them to tell me things like, “I want to act cool. I’ll psych myself up and try to act very casual, but the moment I see it, I cry, I get emotional, and the template is gone.” He can take one look at me and know exactly how I feel.”
If this is the situation you find yourself in, you may want to consider trying to use technology: text messages, emails, Facebook messages, etc. This way, they won’t be able to see or hear you. Your words may seem very casual, flirty, and light-hearted, even if your emotions are anything but. I literally had to get out of town for a while to force myself to back off a bit. And you know what? This made all the difference.